Last July, my family and I experienced great adversity. Creating confusion, doubts and suffering we learned of a pregnancy that had failed. In fact, I had just taken a test at home when some weeks later we were faced with our loss. I could never undermine the heartache, regardless of how premature it happened.
All in all, my heart was troubled with fear. I wanted this child so desperately. I was terrified. I was hurting. And I felt alone- even though I was not the only one suffering.
Deprived of options, we were faced to choose between a medication or surgery to further help my body deliver our child. With some support of family and friends, I opted for the surgery. Honestly, I don’t feel my mind was able to make such a rational or significant decision either way.
The day before I was scheduled for the procedure, I experienced severe physical pain. My medical provider urged me to have an ultrasound straightaway. Per protocol, I was asked to empty my bladder before the ultrasound began. And, it was there in that bathroom where I delivered our baby. Without medication, without surgery.
I will never forget what I mentally experienced and physically witnessed there. Strangely enough, once I returned for the preparation of the ultrasound I was overwhelmingly at peace. I laid there, alone, with only the technician. However, I did not feel alone as I sensed the almost tangible presence of my heavenly Father.
Reflecting upon those days of confusion, doubts and suffering, I recall willingly surrendering my personal desires to the Lord’s care. I placed the life and potential loss of this child in His hands. I cried out;
I do not understand why I’m experiencing this, and, yes, I think it’s unfair. I do not know what the future holds, but I trust in You, God. Although it is my heart’s desire to keep this child, I trust in what You can see that I do not. I leave this child in Your hands.
Then, exactly four months to the day of our loss, my husband and I learned we were pregnant again! I could never forget the day- as it was my husband’s birthday. We were overjoyed! But, every day, uncertainties crept in our minds. I learned that I could either dwell upon the uncertain, or I could delve into God’s promises that produce confidence.
So, as a person who tries to control everything, I was challenged to yield that control. I had some minor physical setbacks that I was unable to make better. It pushed me to trust in God all the more. And as a result, He made everything better for me. Facing the uncertain, I was encouraged all the more to uphold my faith in Him.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.- Hebrews 11:1 NIV
Yes, I hoped for a full-term pregnancy. My flesh was uncertain what would and could happen. However, my spirit man grew in confidence about who God is. That He is, indeed, faithful to His word.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.- Romans 8:28 NLT
This July, exactly one year to the day of our loss, I delivered our new, precious baby girl! It was truly a bittersweet moment. I can barely begin to describe the array of emotions I felt that day. I genuinely feel that not one person could write a more beautiful story of loss and life, than the story we’ve lived with God as the center of it all.
Within this past month, I’ve been blessed to acknowledge the gifts that have come through our loss. Through our confusion, doubts and suffering I’ve been able to help others cope through their heartaches. I’ve been personally strengthened in faith towards my heavenly Father. And I’ve been graced with the gift of new life.
“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”- Ecclesiastes 3:11 NLT