No Longer Caught In Between: Finding Freedom

Yesterday was Good Friday. And it is a holiday which represents the remembrance of Jesus’ crucifixion and death on the cross. Although for me, I do not only reflect upon that event just one day of the year. I’m constantly reminded of Jesus’ sacrifice that took place on that day.

Like most anyone, I have experienced circumstances in my past that caused hurts I have long held onto (unforgiveness). I have committed acts of disobedience which caused me to sin against myself or others. Even now, I have daily struggled in the fight against believing lies within my mind (strongholds).

So, there I remained. Caught in between.

I have lingered upon the wrongs done and the sacrifice Jesus gave in order that my wrongs could be made right. And yet I have felt stuck. Not just yesterday on Good Friday. But, in the totality of all my yesterdays.

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.- Ephesians 2:1-3

That is, until today. The day in between the observation of Jesus’ sacrifice and the hope offered in Jesus’ resurrection, as celebrated tomorrow on Easter day.

That’s when it happened. The realization that Jesus is already resurrected struck my spirit. I mean, I already knew it to be true. But, here in between the remembrance of it all, I realized I had indefinitely stayed stuck focusing on Jesus’ death. Every time I have committed a wrong I thought to myself, “Jesus died for you to be made right.” And so, I have lingered upon death. I beat myself up in my mind over and over again. Stuck. Sinning again and again. Caught in between.

Today I was reminded of Jesus’ words on the cross, “It is finished” (John 19:30). All my transgressions from yesterday, today, and in any of my tomorrows. Finished. Death, where is your sting? Because the fact is- even on this Saturday in between these observances- Jesus is alive! (Revelation 1:18). He has already resurrected– which means rising again or raised to life again– and has ascended into glory.

Let me say it once more for emphasis; JESUS IS ALIVE! That means since I have handed over myself and my transgressions to Him, nailing those wrongs to the cross, drowning them in the blood He poured out for me (and for you), and dying of myself- I am raised to life again, too! No, I am not stuck. No, I am not caught in between.

because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.- Ephesians 2:4-7

I never had to be caught in between. But, it was in that place I was deceived by the enemy. It has been, and always will be, his mission to twist the words of the Lord. He seeks to keep God’s creation stuck in this sin-soaked world. However, the pivotal revelation that brought me from dwelling upon death to reveling in resurrection is found in true freedom.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.- Romans 8:1-2

God has raised me to life again! And, praise be to God, it is true for you too! Resurrection has already taken place. It is found in believing that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is living inside of you! (Romans 8:11).

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The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord…- 1 Corinthians 15:56-58 (NIV)

Choosing to Love: An Eye-Opening Revelation

I sat down to complete an online training course. Since I am certified in speech-language pathology, I am required to complete trainings as part of certificate maintenance. Little did I realize that this time-consuming obligation would be an eye-opening revelation.

The training was focused on shaping negative thinking toward students with disabilities. How I, as an SLP, could help students as a whole. This training began with a warm-up in hopes to show the trained professional how they, too, may perceive others with negative views.

What followed were a series of eight photos. Every two would compare someone vs someone else. We were, then, advised to write our feelings about the individuals shown. Whether those feelings were positive, negative, or neutral.

I was appalled by the negative thoughts I assumed about some of these individuals. Although it’s true that culture, society, religious beliefs, and the like have influenced some of these viewpoints. However, what alarmed me the most was realizing these people have their own voice, motives, and experiences that have made them to be who they are. Who am I to judge just by how they look in a photo?

 

God reminded me of His truth which solidified this conviction;

..The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7 NLT

In that moment, I had the greatest revelation of the love that God has for all mankind.

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. -John 3:16 NLT

I read and re-read this great love account.

1) God loved the world- The word world referenced here means the inhabitants of the earth, the human race. Not just those whom I personally have a positive viewpoint towards. And thanking God that He does love us even now. Despite all that I/we have said or done.

2) He gave His one and only Son- ..He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. -Romans 8:3 NLT

3) so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.- It is not safe for me to assume I know what a person believes because from the outside it appears as if they “have it altogether”. It’s also not safe for me to assume someone doesn’t believe because their outward appearance is different from my personal convictions.

The profound sacrifice of Jesus is love at it’s purest. And it is meant for all mankind. For everyone who will believe. I am so glad it was not up to me.

God, in His great grace and mercy, knew that we as humans would not be able to fulfill this most perfect plan. We would be swayed by temptations, evil thoughts, or wrong heart motives. After all, that is the epitome of sin itself.

For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. -2 Corinthians 5:21 NLT

The physical evidence of what I see can be so deceiving. And sometimes it’s not. But, it’s not up to me. It’s determined by the ransom paid by Jesus upon the cross. I stand in awe of the wonderous works of our loving Father.

His commandment to love one another should not be perceived as a time-consuming obligation. Choosing to love is an eye-opening revelation. I am to love just as He has loved all the inhabitants of the earth. 

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“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.-John 15:9, 10, 12 NLT

Freedom to Believe: Reviewing a Case on Trial

I have quite the confession to make. I have been living a lie. At first, I was stopped in my tracks. I did a double take. I even raised an eyebrow.

My heart was pressed with the question, “Do you love yourself?”. Immediately, I thought, “How silly. Of course I love myself.”. But then the question persisted. And I realized my answer was actually a resounding, “NO!”.

I love God and love others well. So, it appeared that I had loved myself. But even I was fooled.

I’ve long carried around fake ID’s that made it appear as if I loved myself. Those ID’s were labeled ‘Perfectionist’ and ‘Controller’. I thought that being lovable could only be acheived by striving for perfectionism in ‘doing’ . I believed that if I could just control situations, outcomes, and even other people, then I would have value and be enough.

Except every single day- actually, all day long- I was beating myself with these lies. Because I could never achieve those expectations I placed upon myself. I was a failure at being a perfectionist. I was a failure at being in control. Therefore, I constantly told myself, “I am a failure.”

Even more, I blamed everyone else for those unmet expectations. ‘If only you could see how hard I’ve worked to make this as (close to) perfect as I could. If only you would just listen to my advice and follow what I know is best.’ I was infuriated with those people on the reciprocating end of my relationships. ‘If they don’t value my efforts, they must not love me’. Therefore, ‘How can I even love me?’.

I have spent many days crying from the hurt and anger. Until I finally chose to pay close attention to the right insight. I had to stop interrogating everyone else and myself.

I finally got it in my mind that perfectionism and control are not expected from God. Therefore, I should never place those false expectations upon myself. I had to bring those fake ID’s under the interrogating lamp. I had to look into the mirror to see the real enemy looking back at me.

In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.- 2 Corinthians 4:4 ESV

I didn’t love myself. So, how could God truly love me? I didn’t fully believe. I was an unbelieving believer. Except, there is no such thing. Either I was going to believe or I was not.

I decided I was going to believe. And in order to do that I had to review the case of the real criminal who was already put on trial long ago:

• Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made…- Genesis 3:1 ESV
• The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.”- Job 1:7 ESV
• …your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.- 1 Peter 5:8 ESV
• The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…- John 10:10 ESV

Next, I reviewed the Word (Truth) that has come forth from Jesus:

• Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.- John 14:27 ESV
•  …I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.- John 10:10 ESV
• I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.- John 14:6 ESV
• As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.- John 15:9‭, ‬11 ESV

I have chosen to believe (in full) Jesus’ words and works on the cross, “It is finished” (John 19:30). The case has been closed. Through His sacrifice, He made salvation and freedom possible. I have an Attorney, Jurer, and Judge through the Holy Spirit, Christ Jesus, and God Almighty. Yes, the entire rest of the courtroom is on my side (Romans 8:31-39). In fact, those people on the reciprocating end of my relationships are not against me. And I do not even have to be against myself.

I no longer have to be held hostage to those condemning fake ID’s of ‘Perfectionist’ and ‘Controller’. In fact, I “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we [I] take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.- (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV). They have been exposed and disposed of. I thank God that Christ gave me a new ID when I accepted Him into my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.- 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV.

I choose to believe. I choose to live free as a new creation. I choose to love God, love others and love myself. In that order; yet all at once.

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I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.- Galatians 2:20‭-‬21 ESV

 

Near and Never Alone: Finding Comfort

These days, its very rare that I have any alone time. I eat, sleep, breathe, and well, just about do everything with tiny humans around. When I shower, I have to strategically set up a safe space for my infant in my master bathroom.

Since she is not yet mobile, I place her in her baby bouncer seat or her rock ‘n play sleeper. I set it up in the middle of the floor, away from anything that can harm her. Then, I turn on the ceiling exhaust fan in hopes that the humming sound will soothe her.

Unfortunately, most days that ceiling exhaust fan doesn’t work. She stays content for mere seconds. Then, she begins her crying fit. Usually from a whimper to a full blown wail before I know it.

I most assuredly try to console her behind that sliding, shower door. I speak affirmations to her, sing to her, and sometimes try to play peek-a-boo. None of which helps.

I mean I don’t blame her one bit. She’s a tiny baby amidst a giant room. When my voice calls out, it is magnified into echoes. That can be a scary circumstance and lead her to confusion.

But, once I exit the shower and pick her up she is instantly comforted. For her, it’s not enough to hear my voice. She wants to feel me near.

It’s remarkable to me how much I truly understand her desires. In my relationship with God, I often ask to hear His voice. Oftentimes when I do, I am still searching for more. I typically utter the words, “I look forward to joining You in heaven so I can feel Your embrace”.

One particular day, as this very scenario transpired with my infant, I was gently reminded some truths.

Even when I seem so tiny amidst giant circumstances and anything that might harm… I am strategically placed in a safe space by my heavenly Father.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord : He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. Psalms 1-‬2 (NLT)

Even when I’m left confused trying to distinguish God’s voice in comparison to my own echoing thoughts… He is speaking affirmations and is singing over me.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT)

Even when I do not feel consoled enough… God reminds me that I don’t have to wait until I get to heaven to feel His embrace. He is near me even now.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:17‭-‬19 (NIV)

Just like my children who are never left alone, my God never leaves me alone. He is constantly involved in all that I do. He is my safe place from harm. He is my calm and soothes my soul. He is near and embraces me when I seek Him.

• Blogger Tip: Write one or all of the scriptures on an index card. When you feel alone, read the scripture aloud. Allow the Truth to transform your mind. •

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“..It’s the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God—“Jesus is my Master”—embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not “doing” anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: “God has set everything right between him and me!”- Romans 10:4-10 (MSG)

The Path Less Traveled

The past two weeks were rough for me. I was daily at odds with my toddler. It deeply pained me and caused me much regret by the end of every day.

I had frequent outbursts regardless of his behaviors or actions. I felt overwhelmed and burnt out. Which only caused more meltdowns as a response from him. I began to fear that I was doing damage to my child long term. Insert shame.

After getting into prayer, I was reminded of an interview I listened to on a radio program recently. The premise was that some parents may have to grieve over their children leaving a certain stage of life. For me, I realized I had to grieve that my little boy is no longer “my baby”. I used to be his primary source of comfort, food, and care. He’s more independent now. He doesn’t need me like he once did. And, I felt like I no longer had control.

There it was; the root. Control. I could no longer control him. Every time I tried, he opposed me all the more.

I had some wise elders suggest the reason I was this way. Since I was a victim of abuse previously, I became controlling as if to guard my heart from ever getting hurt in the future. The mindset that I had to be in control put others in a path of hurt that I now created. Essentially, trying to be in control caused me to act out of control!

In addition, I was taking on “God’s role”. I was not fully trusting my eternal, all-powerful God. He sees the future (Isaiah 46:9-10). He can handle all things (Isaiah 14:24). He strengthens the weak (Isaiah 40:29). I was not created to do these roles for Him. Wow. Talk about humbling a heart.

I felt I had to get alone time with God. So, I decided to go for a walk. Walking toward the dead end part of a road, I journeyed on a dirt path.

Eventually, I came to a fork in the road. I had a choice. I could journey on the dirt path that was visibly traveled. Or, I could journey on a path into the woods- a path less traveled. I chose the latter.

This physical representation was a spiritual decision I was making in my heart as well. I wanted to choose the path less traveled. The one that says I choose God’s will above my own.

I was reminded that the fruit of the Spirit is self-control (causing temperance). This was already a gift given to me when I accepted the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Except, I had been choosing to receive a replica gift; packaged by my adversary. The so-called gift of being in control (causing a bad temper).

As I continued on the path less traveled, tears were flowing from my eyes. I asked God for forgiveness of everything I had caused through my foolish acceptance of control. I asked Him to remove the added weight of regret, fear, shame, and pride. Finally, I asked God to remove the root of it all to prevent it from reoccurring again.

With my head hung low, I caught a glimpse of some water trickling downhill beside my feet. In that moment, God refreshed my mind with the 23rd Psalm. We communicated together what it means to me presently.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

God is leading me, tending to me, and providing for me daily. I will not lack anything, in any given day or time.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

God beckons me to stop what I am doing to rest in Him; in His pleasant, sprouting, dwelling place.

He leads me beside the still waters.

Yet again, He guides me directly to Him. He is my source of living water. He quenches all of my thirsts. Here I receive more rest.

He restores my soul;

Because of Him my soul is renewed, refreshed, rescued, revived, rewarded, recovered.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.

In; not on. “In” is indicative that there are walls. I am surrounded. His righteousness is all around me. I can only live rightly through Him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

The choices I make that lead to sin are from hell itself. But I do not have to fear it. Jesus conquered sin and death. I accepted Him and believe in Him. He IS with me. I am overcoming because of Jesus.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

God’s compassionate correction and discipline is to bring me to repentance. That is where I find comfort.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

God has given an abundance of provisions and prepared them for me in the midst of my enemies- regret, shame, fear, pride.

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

All of my being- the outer, physical manifestation of this body and the inner vessel- are satiated. God makes me abundantly full and beyond satisfaction.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life;

My additional promise. Not just one day. Not just on the days that I choose right or act right. But, ALL the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Whether I abide in Him on this Earth or in the heavens, I am promised to be with Him for eternity!

You see, God gives me everything I need for every circumstance. There is strength to be found in my moments of weakness. Especially when I act out of control. Now, I am encouraged all the more to entrust all my cares and concerns to the God who is my Good Shepherd.

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“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.”- 1 Corinthians 10:13‭-‬14 (MSG)