A Growth Process: Transforming with Knowledge and Understanding

I feel as if I am reliving the same day over and over again. Within that concept lies another underlying problem. I’m also repeating the same things over and over again. “What did I just say?”, “Are you even listening to me?”, “How many times do I have to tell you?” are just a few of those sayings on repeat to two toddlers.

Not only am I reliving this moment by moment, day by day, but I am reliving the frustration and impatience with it all. I figure, they know these things. I’ve modeled these things to them. Yet they still don’t do it! Other words, why can’t they just match what I do and be like me?!

Simply put, that’s an expectation that’s unachievable. The reality is that they’re toddlers. They have a short attention span. They have not yet acquired maturity. They may have knowledge of something, but they have not received the ability to carry out that knowledge. Because the growth process entails taking time. I train, guide, and correct them until they are transformed in such a way that mirrors the potential for who and what they can be. And it’ll be a continual process.

This requires more than just knowing something in their mind. They have to understand it with their heart. Take my son for example. He is completely obsessed with construction vehicles, tractors, emergency vehicles, etc. He both knows and understands about them because he loves them so much! On the flip side, he knows about his sister’s kitty obsession, but he doesn’t understand it because it’s not something he thoroughly enjoys.

I realized the implication this had on my walk with Christ. I was striving so hard to match what I knew about Jesus. I was so hard on myself every single time I failed. On my own I could not think, say, do, and behave in such a way that mirrored Jesus. So I loathed in my condemning thoughts. “I’m just never going to be or do enough!”

Simply put, that’s an expectation that’s unachievable. I’m not meant to match Jesus, to think, say, do, and behave all in my own efforts. Only, I live through Him. I love how The Passion Translation says it like this:

“The light of God’s love shined within us when he sent his matchless Son into the world so that we might live through him“.- 1 John 4:9

I was, then, reminded of the account of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with His disciples (Matthew 14:13-21). At this point, the disciples knew Jesus could perform miracles. Jesus had modeled miracles before their very eyes. Then, in the very next chapter, (Matthew 15:32-39) Jesus calls His disciples to feed a different 4,000. Their response? “Where would we get enough food here in the wilderness for such a huge crowd?” [-Seriously!] Sounds familiar, right?

The reality is, just like those disciples, I have not fully figured it all out. I still have to attend to Jesus. I still have maturity to acquire in Him. And while I may have knowledge of Him, I have to allow Him to help me carry out that knowledge. It’s done by gaining that understanding through deep revelation within my heart that only He can provide.

“These people honor me only with their words, for their hearts are so very distant from me. They pretend to worship me, but their worship is nothing more than the empty traditions of men.” Then Jesus turned to the crowd and said, “Come, listen and open your heart to understand.”– Matthew 15:8-10 (TPT) [emphasis mine]

And it’s a growth process (aka: sanctification). He trains, guides, and corrects me as I surrender to Him and His word. Moment by moment, day by day…

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.- 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NKJV)

…until I’m transformed in such a way that mirrors the potential for who and what I can be in Him.

But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.- 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 (NLT)

No longer do I have to feel frustrated and impatient when my children don’t follow through with my instruction or perform to meet my expectations. Nor do I have to feel frustrated and impatient with myself when I don’t follow “having a mind like Christ” or performing like “Christ lives in me”. That type of thinking leads to striving and results in condemning thoughts. Right now, I surrender all those expectations.

I thoroughly enjoy the word of God and love Him- just as my son loves his machines! Which means I have the ability to both know and understand who Jesus is in me. I can trust His sanctifying work that is declared in Galatians 2:20, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

To my children, to myself, and to anyone who can relate to my circumstances: “Come, listen and open your heart to understand”.

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The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.- 1 Corinthians 2:15-16 (NIV).

Called by Name: A Whole New Meaning

I’ve long had a fascination with name meanings. As a child, I remember my mom gifting me with a bookmark that had my name and a meaning written on it. This bookmark read “motherly”. Although, I am unsure of the credibility of this particular correlation.

However, I’ve never forgotten. Mainly because I was the firstborn of my generation of siblings and close cousins. Naturally, I had a lot of responsibility and that “motherly” instinct kicked in when I was quite young.

When I got older, I was interested in learning the Biblical meaning behind my name. The Hebrew version of Rachel means ewe, sheep, female lamb. Hence, leading to my adoration of being one of Christ’s sheep and founding my blog name, Sheep Once Silenced.

I tell you the truth, anyone who sneaks over the wall of a sheepfold, rather than going through the gate, must surely be a thief and a robber! But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.- John 10:1-3 (NLT)

I was reading this passage in John with the headline, The Good Shepherd and His Sheep. I lingered upon those words, “He calls his own sheep by name”. And God tuned my heart to hear those names with which He speaks over me.

I’ve always thought I’d hear an audible “Rachael!” from the Lord. While that very well could happen, the Holy Spirit gently guided me to receive His written truths.

As a child who was scarred from paternal abuse, I had a hard time identifying myself as a child of God. In my flesh I felt discarded, abandoned, unwanted. I believed that to be a huge component of my identity for much of my life. I perceived this was the exact way God felt about me too. Except, now I know that’s all been a lie- from my enemy, the thief. But, God. He has called me by name- His child.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!..- 1 John 3:1 (NLT)

Throughout my adolescence and young adult life, I never felt chosen. In fact, I was picked as a last resort for sports teams. I was cast aside as “just cute and never beautiful”. And I overcompensated by trying to fit in when I most always felt like an outcast. My identity had long been stripped down to a nobody. Oh, but, God. He has called me by name- His chosen.

..for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.- 1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)

I have an outgoing and bold personality. Couple that with my innate desire to seek perfection. This equates to someone who battles with feeling like “too much” yet “never enough”. Every time I dwell upon all my faults and failures I think to myself, “How can anyone even love me?”. Lingering upon those thoughts drowns me in a pool of lies. Because, God. He has called me by name- His beloved.

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.- John 3:16‭-‬17 (NLT)

Looking at the totality of my life, shame sticks out in the forefront of my mind. I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve been harmed by many malfunctions. I’ve caused many messes. It is inevitably a result of a sin-soaked world. But, God. He made a way through His Son, Jesus Christ. And He has called me by name- Forgiven.

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.- Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)

Yes, I remember my past. But I’ve moved on from “living” there. I am not that same person I used to be. When I hear those names that are a result of my past, I know they come from a thief- a robber! God has called me by name. And as a Good Shepherd, He is leading me out-away from those lies. I am a new creation because of Christ. And I look forward to receiving my new name, made especially for me, when I enter into eternal paradise!

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“Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches… I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it.”- Revelation 2:17 (NLT)

Freedom to Believe: Reviewing a Case on Trial

I have quite the confession to make. I have been living a lie. At first, I was stopped in my tracks. I did a double take. I even raised an eyebrow.

My heart was pressed with the question, “Do you love yourself?”. Immediately, I thought, “How silly. Of course I love myself.”. But then the question persisted. And I realized my answer was actually a resounding, “NO!”.

I love God and love others well. So, it appeared that I had loved myself. But even I was fooled.

I’ve long carried around fake ID’s that made it appear as if I loved myself. Those ID’s were labeled ‘Perfectionist’ and ‘Controller’. I thought that being lovable could only be acheived by striving for perfectionism in ‘doing’ . I believed that if I could just control situations, outcomes, and even other people, then I would have value and be enough.

Except every single day- actually, all day long- I was beating myself with these lies. Because I could never achieve those expectations I placed upon myself. I was a failure at being a perfectionist. I was a failure at being in control. Therefore, I constantly told myself, “I am a failure.”

Even more, I blamed everyone else for those unmet expectations. ‘If only you could see how hard I’ve worked to make this as (close to) perfect as I could. If only you would just listen to my advice and follow what I know is best.’ I was infuriated with those people on the reciprocating end of my relationships. ‘If they don’t value my efforts, they must not love me’. Therefore, ‘How can I even love me?’.

I have spent many days crying from the hurt and anger. Until I finally chose to pay close attention to the right insight. I had to stop interrogating everyone else and myself.

I finally got it in my mind that perfectionism and control are not expected from God. Therefore, I should never place those false expectations upon myself. I had to bring those fake ID’s under the interrogating lamp. I had to look into the mirror to see the real enemy looking back at me.

In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.- 2 Corinthians 4:4 ESV

I didn’t love myself. So, how could God truly love me? I didn’t fully believe. I was an unbelieving believer. Except, there is no such thing. Either I was going to believe or I was not.

I decided I was going to believe. And in order to do that I had to review the case of the real criminal who was already put on trial long ago:

• Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made…- Genesis 3:1 ESV
• The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.”- Job 1:7 ESV
• …your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.- 1 Peter 5:8 ESV
• The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…- John 10:10 ESV

Next, I reviewed the Word (Truth) that has come forth from Jesus:

• Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.- John 14:27 ESV
•  …I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.- John 10:10 ESV
• I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.- John 14:6 ESV
• As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.- John 15:9‭, ‬11 ESV

I have chosen to believe (in full) Jesus’ words and works on the cross, “It is finished” (John 19:30). The case has been closed. Through His sacrifice, He made salvation and freedom possible. I have an Attorney, Jurer, and Judge through the Holy Spirit, Christ Jesus, and God Almighty. Yes, the entire rest of the courtroom is on my side (Romans 8:31-39). In fact, those people on the reciprocating end of my relationships are not against me. And I do not even have to be against myself.

I no longer have to be held hostage to those condemning fake ID’s of ‘Perfectionist’ and ‘Controller’. In fact, I “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we [I] take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.- (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV). They have been exposed and disposed of. I thank God that Christ gave me a new ID when I accepted Him into my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.- 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV.

I choose to believe. I choose to live free as a new creation. I choose to love God, love others and love myself. In that order; yet all at once.

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I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.- Galatians 2:20‭-‬21 ESV

 

Near and Never Alone: Finding Comfort

These days, its very rare that I have any alone time. I eat, sleep, breathe, and well, just about do everything with tiny humans around. When I shower, I have to strategically set up a safe space for my infant in my master bathroom.

Since she is not yet mobile, I place her in her baby bouncer seat or her rock ‘n play sleeper. I set it up in the middle of the floor, away from anything that can harm her. Then, I turn on the ceiling exhaust fan in hopes that the humming sound will soothe her.

Unfortunately, most days that ceiling exhaust fan doesn’t work. She stays content for mere seconds. Then, she begins her crying fit. Usually from a whimper to a full blown wail before I know it.

I most assuredly try to console her behind that sliding, shower door. I speak affirmations to her, sing to her, and sometimes try to play peek-a-boo. None of which helps.

I mean I don’t blame her one bit. She’s a tiny baby amidst a giant room. When my voice calls out, it is magnified into echoes. That can be a scary circumstance and lead her to confusion.

But, once I exit the shower and pick her up she is instantly comforted. For her, it’s not enough to hear my voice. She wants to feel me near.

It’s remarkable to me how much I truly understand her desires. In my relationship with God, I often ask to hear His voice. Oftentimes when I do, I am still searching for more. I typically utter the words, “I look forward to joining You in heaven so I can feel Your embrace”.

One particular day, as this very scenario transpired with my infant, I was gently reminded some truths.

Even when I seem so tiny amidst giant circumstances and anything that might harm… I am strategically placed in a safe space by my heavenly Father.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord : He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. Psalms 1-‬2 (NLT)

Even when I’m left confused trying to distinguish God’s voice in comparison to my own echoing thoughts… He is speaking affirmations and is singing over me.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT)

Even when I do not feel consoled enough… God reminds me that I don’t have to wait until I get to heaven to feel His embrace. He is near me even now.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:17‭-‬19 (NIV)

Just like my children who are never left alone, my God never leaves me alone. He is constantly involved in all that I do. He is my safe place from harm. He is my calm and soothes my soul. He is near and embraces me when I seek Him.

• Blogger Tip: Write one or all of the scriptures on an index card. When you feel alone, read the scripture aloud. Allow the Truth to transform your mind. •

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“..It’s the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God—“Jesus is my Master”—embracing, body and soul, God’s work of doing in us what he did in raising Jesus from the dead. That’s it. You’re not “doing” anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: “God has set everything right between him and me!”- Romans 10:4-10 (MSG)