A Growth Process: Transforming with Knowledge and Understanding

I feel as if I am reliving the same day over and over again. Within that concept lies another underlying problem. I’m also repeating the same things over and over again. “What did I just say?”, “Are you even listening to me?”, “How many times do I have to tell you?” are just a few of those sayings on repeat to two toddlers.

Not only am I reliving this moment by moment, day by day, but I am reliving the frustration and impatience with it all. I figure, they know these things. I’ve modeled these things to them. Yet they still don’t do it! Other words, why can’t they just match what I do and be like me?!

Simply put, that’s an expectation that’s unachievable. The reality is that they’re toddlers. They have a short attention span. They have not yet acquired maturity. They may have knowledge of something, but they have not received the ability to carry out that knowledge. Because the growth process entails taking time. I train, guide, and correct them until they are transformed in such a way that mirrors the potential for who and what they can be. And it’ll be a continual process.

This requires more than just knowing something in their mind. They have to understand it with their heart. Take my son for example. He is completely obsessed with construction vehicles, tractors, emergency vehicles, etc. He both knows and understands about them because he loves them so much! On the flip side, he knows about his sister’s kitty obsession, but he doesn’t understand it because it’s not something he thoroughly enjoys.

I realized the implication this had on my walk with Christ. I was striving so hard to match what I knew about Jesus. I was so hard on myself every single time I failed. On my own I could not think, say, do, and behave in such a way that mirrored Jesus. So I loathed in my condemning thoughts. “I’m just never going to be or do enough!”

Simply put, that’s an expectation that’s unachievable. I’m not meant to match Jesus, to think, say, do, and behave all in my own efforts. Only, I live through Him. I love how The Passion Translation says it like this:

“The light of God’s love shined within us when he sent his matchless Son into the world so that we might live through him“.- 1 John 4:9

I was, then, reminded of the account of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with His disciples (Matthew 14:13-21). At this point, the disciples knew Jesus could perform miracles. Jesus had modeled miracles before their very eyes. Then, in the very next chapter, (Matthew 15:32-39) Jesus calls His disciples to feed a different 4,000. Their response? “Where would we get enough food here in the wilderness for such a huge crowd?” [-Seriously!] Sounds familiar, right?

The reality is, just like those disciples, I have not fully figured it all out. I still have to attend to Jesus. I still have maturity to acquire in Him. And while I may have knowledge of Him, I have to allow Him to help me carry out that knowledge. It’s done by gaining that understanding through deep revelation within my heart that only He can provide.

“These people honor me only with their words, for their hearts are so very distant from me. They pretend to worship me, but their worship is nothing more than the empty traditions of men.” Then Jesus turned to the crowd and said, “Come, listen and open your heart to understand.”– Matthew 15:8-10 (TPT) [emphasis mine]

And it’s a growth process (aka: sanctification). He trains, guides, and corrects me as I surrender to Him and His word. Moment by moment, day by day…

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.- 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NKJV)

…until I’m transformed in such a way that mirrors the potential for who and what I can be in Him.

But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.- 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 (NLT)

No longer do I have to feel frustrated and impatient when my children don’t follow through with my instruction or perform to meet my expectations. Nor do I have to feel frustrated and impatient with myself when I don’t follow “having a mind like Christ” or performing like “Christ lives in me”. That type of thinking leads to striving and results in condemning thoughts. Right now, I surrender all those expectations.

I thoroughly enjoy the word of God and love Him- just as my son loves his machines! Which means I have the ability to both know and understand who Jesus is in me. I can trust His sanctifying work that is declared in Galatians 2:20, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

To my children, to myself, and to anyone who can relate to my circumstances: “Come, listen and open your heart to understand”.

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The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.- 1 Corinthians 2:15-16 (NIV).

Hindrance to Holiness

Sometimes, I need a good cry session. This morning was good for that. Except, I try to hold my emotions inside while in front of my toddler. I dislike for him to see me cry because I know it distresses him too.

I was hurting for some of my loved ones. And while I thought I had done all I could do to help, I felt like I had hindered even more. The weight of it all was too heavy for me to hold onto any longer. So, I tried to escape. I slipped into the bathroom while my toddler was playing. I cried. I pleaded. And finally, I cried and pleaded to the Lord.

It wasn’t long before my toddler found me. I just had hoped he wouldn’t. After he saw me crying, he quickly scurried away and I felt relief in being able to continue with my affair of sorrows. However, he promptly returned with a play oven-mitt on his hand. He stood in front of me and stared for a moment. Then, he reached up with his covered hand to wipe my tears away, all while lavishing me with positive words of affirmation.

“You’re beautiful. I’m so proud of you. All better.” 

To my astonishment, his words brought me great consolation. I felt in that moment that God had used my toddler to speak to directly to me.

“You’re beautiful.” My heart hurt for how I’ve gone about trying to “help” my loved ones. I felt no validation in being valuable or compassionate to them. When I finally acknowledged my failed attempts to God He reminded me,

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all;– Psalm 34:4-5, 18-19 (NLT). 

Yes, because of the Lord’s goodness I am radiant. In my brokenness I am beautiful. And I was reassured that I can trust in God, my Rescuer.

“I’m so proud of you.” It was heavy as I watched my loved ones going through their hurts. However, I can admit that I talked negatively about their choices when I sought others for advice. In my attempt to resolve their matters with my own knowledge, I actually became a hindrance. When I finally asked God to take control, He reminded me,

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”- 1 Peter 5:6-7, 10 (NIV). 

Yes, it’s hard to give up control. But when I give up my pride is when God can be proud of me. And because of this act of obedience, God is able to move in both my life and in the lives of my loved ones.

“All better.” I have walked down similar paths and had hoped that my trials and testimonies would’ve resonated with my loved ones. The choices that they made seemed irrational and ignorant, nonetheless their choices. In my mind, their circumstances seemed grim and grievous. When I pronounced thanks to the Lord for who He is, and put my faith in Him for answers that I do not yet see, He reminded me,

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”- Ephesians 5:15-17, 19-20 (NIV)

Yes, I give thanks to God for helping me see victory whenever I walk in humble obedience to Him. I do thank God for who He is and what His power can do. Because of these truths, I can rest assured that it really will be all better. 

Through the tender actions and words of my child, I was reminded of God’s goodness. I must go to God with every single sorrow and joy. I must not subject myself or others to the schemes of the enemy. Furthermore, I must “always give thanks” to my God who is good at being in control. Who reminded me that the heaviness is not meant for me or them to carry. And regardless of my acts of hindrance, when I walk in complete obedience to the will of God my life declares that He has made me holy.

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“The Lord.. heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground. Sing to the Lord with grateful praise..”- Psalm 147:2-7 (NIV)

The Teacher

Finally! The past two days have treated us with some warmer weather conditions. My son and I were able to take full advantage of this and play outside. I was ever so grateful for this opportunity since I feel we have been cooped up inside our home for too long. Little did I realize how these small adventures would thoroughly teach both my son and I.

I was able to witness some new developments in my toddler as we explored the outdoors. This was the first time his newly 2-year old mind was able to comprehend what his eyes were seeing. He would point to or pick up objects in order to learn of their name. I was able to expand upon his knowledge by informing him what he could and could not touch, what was safe and unsafe, etc.

His newest interest has been collecting rocks, as his treasures, from all over the yard. In doing so, he has unearthed some unwanted vulnerabilities. We have discovered an infestation of red ants, exposed a variety of holes, and have collected piles of these rocks to remain unused in various new places. However, this has revealed even more opportunities for me to teach and provide him with chances to grow in knowledge of his world around him.

I see a parallel here between my toddler and I, and myself with God. God is ever increasing my knowledge and understanding whenever I seek it from Him. Which He is able to teach me through my experiences and through His Word. Scripture emphasizes to “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.- Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV). Whether I’m teaching my child, or God is teaching me, we are setting valuable lessons to guide growth and stability through this life. 

Just like my son who collects treasures of rocks, I’m collecting heavenly treasures. These are found when God teaches me to live set apart from the world. In doing so, God unearths some unwanted vulnerabilities within me. Through Him, I have discovered an infestation in my life from the enemy’s schemes. He has exposed a variety of voids that I have sought to be filled by sinful pleasures. I have collected piles of heavenly treasures but left them to remain unused in various new places. However, this has revealed even more opportunities for God to teach and provide me with chances to grow in knowledge of my world through Him.

These opportunities to increase in knowledge and understanding through life’s lessons are valuable to the heart of God.

let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.- Proverbs 1:5&7 (NIV)

I’ve already been given Jesus’ example of life on this Earth to know the difference between what I can and cannot touch, what is safe and unsafe, etc. Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son.- 2 John 1:9 (NIV). Christ’s example of life on this Earth is found in scripture. And since Christ abides in me, I have His power and authority to advance me even farther in His well, thought-out instruction.

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“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”- 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV). 

 

Surrendering My Control

Due to circumstances throughout my childhood, I suffered through years of feeling broken and damaged. Because of this, I was very vulnerable to more pain. I didn’t much care for the feeling of helplessness caused by the magnitude of my external circumstances. So, I decided when I turned 18 years old that no one would be able to control me from that day forward.

Since I grew up bound by tough restrictions, I rarely got to experience many worldly things. Despite this fact, what I had experienced through my pain was all I needed to know. There wouldn’t be one thing that would change my mind in owning control. Not even a conversation with my much older, knowledgeable and wiser self.

So, I began my new chapter of owning control. However, this was only portrayed by my external self. Internally, I was full of pride. I determined that people would either love me or hate me. If they chose the latter, then I would show them the exit door from my life.

Due to this change, I began to build walls around my heart. In an attempt to be less vulnerable, I resolved to let very few people get to know who I really was. In doing so, I allowed my external self to be more vulnerable to a world of dangers- caused by drinking and night stays with strangers. Trying to take control of my external circumstances caused my brokenness and damage to be much worse than before.

At the core of my being I was indeed helpless. The deeper root of these pains were caused by something I had not yet come to realize. The truth: I felt rejected by a dad that just couldn’t fulfill his roll of being a father. That rejection fueled my search for attention in all the wrong places. It created a longing for a false love. It desired for approval from others.

Fast forward in time to nearly a decade later, I began my search to get back to God’s heart. I studied what it truly meant to be set apart from the world and to live for Him. I asked God for deeper knowledge and understanding from His Word, which is THE Truth. Here is what I learned:

• To let go of control and surrender all of my past to the One who created me. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.- James 4:7 (NIV)
• When I accepted Jesus into my heart and asked to be made anew by the blood of His sacrifice, my old self died! I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.- Galatians 2:20 (NIV)
• I’m not the sum of that younger version of myself. No longer do I have to live under the scrutiny of shame, regret and condemnation. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.- Romans 8:1-2 (NIV)
• I can walk in freedom, because Christ was my ransom, and He paid in full my atonement when He died on the cross. But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ.- Galatians 3:22 (NLT) 
• God can make good from any painful situation. I now understand that He can create purpose through my past rejection. For Jesus is the one referred to in the Scriptures, where it says,‘The stone that you builders rejected has now become the cornerstone.’- Acts 4:11 (NLT)

This whole process of learning to surrender my control can be summed up in one picture. I imagine myself as clay and God as my Potter. Untouched clay appears to be a heaping mess. If I, the clay, attempt to control my external circumstances, I would still be a heaping mess, and then some! Oh, but to give up control to the hands of my Potter- He is continually regulating those external circumstances. He has shaved off that mess of who I once was and made me a new creation.

In Christ, my new creation is a self that is righteous, blameless, and holy. The only thing that is required for me to control?!.. simply believing in my Creator.

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“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’ … This is what the Lord says— the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: “Do you question what I do for my children? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? I am the one who made the earth and created people to live on it.”- Isaiah 45:9-10, 12 (NLT)

Uncharted Territory

I’ve had to face some big decisions in life. Decisions that would bring about change. These changes have taken me to a place not yet explored- uncharted territory. When confronted with said “changes”, I’m left to ponder, “Am I making the right decision?”.

As a late teen, I was faced with the decision of college. There was no question in my mind that I wanted to go. But, I was flustered in having to decide where. Truth be told, my ultimate decision was made because I knew of nearly a dozen classmates who would also be attending this “choice” university. Maybe not my wisest analysis, which made me ponder, “Am I making the right decision?”.

Eventually, most of those classmates decided to transfer schools or dropped out from higher education altogether. There I remained. However, I resolved to make the most out of my choice. It turns out, the major I [later] determined I would pursue was accredited by this university. The program helped to prepare me and certify me for entry level into my profession. In the grand scheme, it all worked out in my favor anyway.

Upon graduating, I was faced with a new decision. Where would I begin my career? I initially had two interviews with two different agencies. My very first, professional interview left me in tears by the end. No, not happy tears- I was harassed by the director. Truth be told, my ultimate decision was made because I didn’t want to be employed by that very person. But, the second option would provide less annual pay, so I was left to ponder, “Am I making the right decision?”.

I remained employed for the next four to five years with the “second” agency. I was more secure in how they represented themselves as my employer. I grew to genuinely love what I was doing. I served a population of very young children, and I knew I was making an impact in their lives even if only by a short encounter with them. In the grand scheme, it all worked out in my favor anyway.

I consider how my walk with God additionally brings about big decisions and changes. And, these changes have taken, and will continue to take me to uncharted territory. The benefit, though, of facing these decisions in my spiritual walk is knowing that I am not alone. I can consult God to bring about knowledge in which path I should take.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.- Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV). 

God has grandeur knowledge to paths unseen. But, I must admit that I have not always heard his voice with clarity. Sometimes I’ve looked for this huge sign with a [flashing neon lights] revelation. However, I must remain in tune with his character of love and grace. Meaning some big revelations I receive will come from God’s still small voice.

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”- 1 Kings 19:11-13 (NIV)

Yes, there have been times when I listened to the clamor of the world over the gentle whispers of God. I’m left pondering, “Am I making the right decision?”. But, I do have confidence in these promises:

1. God is with me wherever I go. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.- Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
2. God has already journeyed my path from beginning to end. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you..”- Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)
3. God’s grace shows me favor even if I choose a wrong path. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.- Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)

No matter where my decisions will take me, God will lovingly and graciously partner with me through these uncharted territories. And in the grand scheme, I know everything will all work out in my favor anyway.

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“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.”- Ephesians 1:11 (NIV)