My Identity: Learning What’s Left of Me

In the writing world, publishers seek a bio written by the author, for the author. As I have ventured to get some work published on the web, I learned about this seemingly small requirement and realized how enormous it would actually be. ‘What is it about myself that the reader would like to know?’ ‘Just who am I anyway?’

I mean, that sounds silly, right? But I realized that I’ve grossly placed my identity in others or in my successes. Let me explain. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a fur-mama. I am a speech-language pathologist. I am a stay-at-home parent. I am a volunteer group leader for the MOPS program.

The list seems legitimately good to share. I guess people want to know these things that make me credible to their wondering mind. But I still felt rather invisible. Without these people or things, what’s left of me?

I look to the Bible and find there’s no shortage of names to describe who Jesus is. “And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6 NLT). “Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life.” (John 11:25). “Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life.” (John 6:35). “Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” (John 14:6). “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’”
(Matthew 1:23).

What’s more, though, is two descriptions which left me perplexed. The first was first spoken of Jesus by John the Baptist, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29). And the next by Jesus Himself, “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me,” (John 10:14). As I pondered these two extremities, I kept inquiring, “How could it be that Jesus is both the Sheep and the Shepherd?”.

After some time had passed by, it soon became a realization by way of the Holy Spirit, just what this meant for Jesus’ character. The Lamb of God is, Jesus, the Son of Man. The Good Shepherd is, Jesus, the Son of God.

When Jesus came to earth, He was both fully God and fully man. Why? Because He was the perfect, and only, Person who could fulfill the payment for my sins, your sins, and the sins of all mankind, for all of time. He came as a person to identify with us people. However, He has always been the Son of God who leads and guides His people in Spirit and in truth.

We are promised that anyone who belongs to the Lord is described as sheep. “Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” (Psalms 100:3). And when Jesus was sentenced to death on the cross, as Son of Man, he identified with us as such- “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.” (Isaiah 53:6‭-‬7). And with that, a deeper level of intimate love for my Savior takes place. He truly does know and understand how to identify with me and anything I’ve ever been through. Which is why it is so important that I know and understand why I must identify with Him.

Likewise, since He is fully God He is also named Shepherd. “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.” (Psalms 23:1‭-‬3). And since we are made image bearers of Jesus Christ while living here on this earth (2 Corinthians 3:18), we have the amazing privilege of shepherding others to Him!

In John 21, we witness Jesus appearing to some of the disciples since He had risen from the dead, and before He had ascended into heaven. We read, “After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these? ” “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.” (John 21:15‭-‬17). And out of this same love for our Savior, we are asked to feed and take care of His sheep. This is done by sharing the word of God (the Bible), which is food for the soul, and by loving God’s people as we love Him (1 John 4:7).

As God is so good to develop who I am in Him, I no longer need to wonder. To Him, I’m both a sheep and a shepherd-amongst many other identifying characteristics. I may feel invisible in a physical sense, but spiritually speaking I am very much seen. And while it’s okay to share my quick blurb of who I am in light of other people or things (Wife, Mommy, Therapist, Leader), what’s more is sharing who I am in light of the Lord. He is mine. And I am His. (Song of Solomon 2:16). Which is the greatest part of what’s left of me.

Saying “Yes!” to Right Now

“Not right now.” I’m guilty of repetitiously quoting this phrase to my children.

Just the other day, my daughter was chasing my heels and trying to hand me a book. The same book I had already read twice before 7:30 AM. And just one of the dozens of others I knew she would hand to me thereafter. I hurriedly muttered, “Not right now, Sissy”.

Except this time, I heard an internal voice chime back at me, “If not now, then when?”. I stopped in my tracks and whispered back, “Yes, You’re totally right!”.

I decided to cease what I was doing in order to read her that book. Because I knew if I didn’t, I’d fall into my cycle of, “Mommy just needs to finish ______, and then I’ll read it to you”. And then task one morphs into task two. Task two magnifies task three. Task three trails onward to task four. And before I know it, half the day is gone and I still haven’t read that one book.

This revelation dawned on me that I don’t just fall into this cycle with my children. But I have been guilty of doing this with Almighty God. I offer up a quick “Thank You, Lord, for this day”. I check off a couple devotions. And then I move hastily to those stacked up tasks.

Though non-verbal to my daily tasks, it’s as if my actions have muttered to God’s bid for me to “Come!” with a harsh “Not right now!”. And His still, small voice acknowledges my disregard by saying, “If not now, then when?”.

Every day is a new opportunity to say to my Creator, “Yes, You’re totally right! Right now is when.”.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.- Lamentations 3:21‭-23, ‬25 ESV

The soul who seeks the Lord is one who joyously responds saying yes to right now. Here are but a few ways to do so:

• Surrender– Before the day begins, maybe even before my feet hit the floor, I can choose to yield my heart and thoughts to the Lord. So then, surrender to God. Stand up to the devil and resist him and he will turn and run away from you. Move your heart closer and closer to God, and he will come even closer to you. … Be willing to be made low before the Lord and he will exalt you!- James 4:7‭-‬8‭, ‬10 TPT
• Worship– This is more than just playing some Christian tunes and singing godly lyrics. It is a glimpse into the posture of my heart. Whatever I place the most emphasis upon is where my heart is postured. Now, with breathtaking wonder, let everyone worship Yahweh, this awe-inspiring Creator. The Lord looks over us from where he rules in heaven. Gazing into every heart … he observes all the peoples of the earth. The Creator of our hearts considers and examines everything we do. The eyes of the Lord are upon even the weakest worshipers who love him— those who wait in hope and expectation for the strong, steady love of God.- Psalms 33:8‭, ‬13‭-‬15‭, ‬18 TPT
• Prayer– I often tend to overcomplicate this one. This doesn’t have to be forcing out perfect words or meeting a specific time quota. It’s simply longing to have conversation with the Lover of my soul. … But the Holy Spirit rises up within us to super-intercede on our behalf, pleading to God with emotional sighs too deep for words. God, the searcher of the heart, knows fully our longings, yet he also understands the desires of the Spirit, because the Holy Spirit passionately pleads before God for us, his holy ones, in perfect harmony with God’s plan and our destiny.- Romans 8:26‭-‬27 TPT
  
• Gratitude– I often remember to thank God for the physical blessings I have- life, my family, a home, a car, food, clothing, etc. But, I, too, should thankfully acknowledge every spiritual blessing that’s promised to me as God’s beloved child. Let every activity of your lives and every word that comes from your lips be drenched with the beauty of our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. And bring your constant praise to God the Father because of what Christ has done for you!- Colossians 3:17 TPT
  

Before the tasks begin. In between the tasks. After the tasks are complete. -It’s not about ignoring life’s demands. But it’s also not about ignoring God’s call to “Come!”. I have found there are so many reasons and opportunities to obediently transform my heart’s response from “Not right now!” to “Yes! Right now!”.

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“Jesus said to them, “I am the Bread of Life. Come every day to me and you will never be hungry. Believe in me and you will never be thirsty. But everyone my Father has given to me, they will come. And all who come to me, I will embrace and will never turn them away.”- John 6:35, 37 TPT (bold emphasis mine)

I’ve Got a Golden Ticket: A Pass to the Kingdom

While getting myself and the kids ready for church this morning, I opted for a movie to play in the background. My three-year old son has become particularly bored with the same favorite movie. So, today I chose a childhood classic, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. (Yes, the original!) I thought, “He’s obsessed with candy, he should surely like this one!”.

I moved about the house in a shuffle to shower, gather nice clothes (and extra nice clothes), snacks, activities, breakfast, etc. I’m sure most caregivers of little ones can relate. Now I’ll be honest, I never paid much attention to certain scenes of this movie. In my shuffling about, a particular song stopped me in my tracks which caused me to realize how much I had missed. 

Charlie’s grandpa Joe is bed-bound for most of the opening movie. Until he comes to the realization that Charlie found the last of the “golden tickets”. He exclaims, “Look at me!-Hopping about- I haven’t done this in twenty years!” With an eyebrow raised I thought to myself, “How absurd!” Then, Grandpa Joe, proceeds to sing, I’ve Got a Golden Ticket, with joyful glee and moving his body about in ways he apparently hadn’t done in twenty years.

Most assuredly, I’ve complained the past couple weeks how I’ve felt like my mind has been in a fog. I have felt extremely exhausted round the clock. It didn’t matter how much or little sleep I had. I even changed my diet for the better, due to other unforseen circumstances. And yet, day in and day out my mind has been in overdrive while the rest of me tries to catch up.

Until this morning. Until Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Until “Grandpa Joe”. Until the Holy Spirit. Until I heard the same familiar whisper again repeating, “strongholds”.  Then, my mind was no longer in a fog. And the message was crystal clear.

In an effort to do, to perform, to strive to exist in any given day, I’ve created my own strongholds. I’ve built up my own fortified walls in order to protect my own heart and my own mind from being attacked. Except, there is only so much that I can do as mere human being. I’m not meant to take upon myself, by myself, such critical responsibility.

In creating strongholds, I’ve neglected one crucial component. I’ve left God on the other side of those fortified walls. I now understood “Grandpa Joe”. I realized I had become bed-bound; falling into the same patterns as I have for the past twenty-or-so years of my life. I have my “good days”, and essentially I turn away God by saying, “No thanks, I can do this in my own strength.” How absurd! Because I can promise I have zero strength or defense without the Lord God Himself.

My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.- Psalms 73:26 NKJV, (emphasis mine)

I’ve allowed myself to be a victim. I’ve listened to the lies of the enemy saying, “you’ve got this” when in reality I don’t. So there I lay bed-bound, in my own fortress, with my mind in a fog.

Here’s the thing. All I have needed to do is to throw back those covers and “hop” out of bed. Then, ask the Holy Spirit to “come over here and help me”- “be my defense”.

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.- 2 Corinthians 10:3‭-‬5 NLT, (emphasis mine)

I should be singing with joyful glee and moving about spiritually, mentally, and physically in ways I never have before.

Sing to the Lord! Praise the Lord! For though I was poor and needy, he rescued me from my oppressors.- Jeremiah 20:13 NLT

I’ve got a golden ticket. His name is Jesus. He’s given me an all-access pass to royal treatment as a child in God’s kingdom. And I am the final winner. Not without Jesus. But because of Jesus.

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Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan. For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.- Ephesians 1:11, 2:6, 8-9 NLT, (emphasis mine)

Persevering with the Faith of an Infant Child

What is one thing you’re facing, right now, that seems scary to you? For my ten month old little girl, it’s our vacuum. Obviously, she cannot tell me that by her words. But when the vacuum gets rolled out of our closet, hysteria ensues.

I usually place her in the room next to me so that she can be distracted by toys and still see me near. But those distractions hardly ever work. She cries at the sight of the vacuum, and she does not stop until one of two things takes place. Either I put that vacuum away, or I carry her throughout this routine.

Yesterday, I was experiencing some excruciating shoulder pain which prevented me from carrying her. Thus, leaving me with the only other option: letting her cry until I was done.

As I was vacuuming, something about this painstaking event astounded me. Every single time I put her in a safe and fun-filled environment, she abandoned it to crawl toward me.

With a deep, red face and stream of tears she pushed past her fear of that big, noisy vacuum. All to be held by me. She had faith bigger than her fear. She knew I was the source of her comfort.

I admired her perseverance as I repeatedly witnessed this act. I pondered about previous circumstances in my life that were certainly scary. I often focused on my fears and the results only amplified my weaknesses. I made attempts to withdraw from it by cowering. I recall wanting to avoid it by running in another direction. What’s more, I have disregarded my faith by doubting, God, could even be near.

It is inevitable. There will be times in my life when I will face scary circumstances.

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side… he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.- Matthew 14:22-24

Sometimes when good comes my way, my mind still perceives my surroundings as something to fear.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.- Matthew 14:25-26

But I have one of two choices in which I can place my faith: Upon my physical feelings which magnifies my fears. Or upon my heart believing the One Who helps me persevere. Then with my eyes focused on Jesus, I can hold out my arms requesting Him to carry me.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.- Matthew 14:27-29

Yes, fear will continue to knock- “My circumstances are bigger than me!”

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”- Matthew 14:30

Yes, fear will continue to mock- The voices in my mind can be noisy!

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”- Matthew 14:31

I stopped myself to wonder, “Do I really believe that God is Who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do? Do I perceive my fears to be bigger? Or is my faith focused on God, Who I know is bigger?

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”- Matthew 14:32-33

On the outside I may not appear to have it altogether. Even still when I encounter scary circumstances, my face may be deep red with streams of tears running down. But in my heart I’m choosing to believe God for His word.

I can push past my fears with perseverance. Even now, I look for God’s face. He’s my familiar, Heavenly Father. I am promised He carries me. I am promised His comfort. Through a seemingly ordinary vacuuming routine, I learned all it takes is having the faith of an infant child. 

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“‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’”- Isaiah 41:10 NASB

The Path Less Traveled

The past two weeks were rough for me. I was daily at odds with my toddler. It deeply pained me and caused me much regret by the end of every day.

I had frequent outbursts regardless of his behaviors or actions. I felt overwhelmed and burnt out. Which only caused more meltdowns as a response from him. I began to fear that I was doing damage to my child long term. Insert shame.

After getting into prayer, I was reminded of an interview I listened to on a radio program recently. The premise was that some parents may have to grieve over their children leaving a certain stage of life. For me, I realized I had to grieve that my little boy is no longer “my baby”. I used to be his primary source of comfort, food, and care. He’s more independent now. He doesn’t need me like he once did. And, I felt like I no longer had control.

There it was; the root. Control. I could no longer control him. Every time I tried, he opposed me all the more.

I had some wise elders suggest the reason I was this way. Since I was a victim of abuse previously, I became controlling as if to guard my heart from ever getting hurt in the future. The mindset that I had to be in control put others in a path of hurt that I now created. Essentially, trying to be in control caused me to act out of control!

In addition, I was taking on “God’s role”. I was not fully trusting my eternal, all-powerful God. He sees the future (Isaiah 46:9-10). He can handle all things (Isaiah 14:24). He strengthens the weak (Isaiah 40:29). I was not created to do these roles for Him. Wow. Talk about humbling a heart.

I felt I had to get alone time with God. So, I decided to go for a walk. Walking toward the dead end part of a road, I journeyed on a dirt path.

Eventually, I came to a fork in the road. I had a choice. I could journey on the dirt path that was visibly traveled. Or, I could journey on a path into the woods- a path less traveled. I chose the latter.

This physical representation was a spiritual decision I was making in my heart as well. I wanted to choose the path less traveled. The one that says I choose God’s will above my own.

I was reminded that the fruit of the Spirit is self-control (causing temperance). This was already a gift given to me when I accepted the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Except, I had been choosing to receive a replica gift; packaged by my adversary. The so-called gift of being in control (causing a bad temper).

As I continued on the path less traveled, tears were flowing from my eyes. I asked God for forgiveness of everything I had caused through my foolish acceptance of control. I asked Him to remove the added weight of regret, fear, shame, and pride. Finally, I asked God to remove the root of it all to prevent it from reoccurring again.

With my head hung low, I caught a glimpse of some water trickling downhill beside my feet. In that moment, God refreshed my mind with the 23rd Psalm. We communicated together what it means to me presently.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

God is leading me, tending to me, and providing for me daily. I will not lack anything, in any given day or time.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

God beckons me to stop what I am doing to rest in Him; in His pleasant, sprouting, dwelling place.

He leads me beside the still waters.

Yet again, He guides me directly to Him. He is my source of living water. He quenches all of my thirsts. Here I receive more rest.

He restores my soul;

Because of Him my soul is renewed, refreshed, rescued, revived, rewarded, recovered.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.

In; not on. “In” is indicative that there are walls. I am surrounded. His righteousness is all around me. I can only live rightly through Him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

The choices I make that lead to sin are from hell itself. But I do not have to fear it. Jesus conquered sin and death. I accepted Him and believe in Him. He IS with me. I am overcoming because of Jesus.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

God’s compassionate correction and discipline is to bring me to repentance. That is where I find comfort.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

God has given an abundance of provisions and prepared them for me in the midst of my enemies- regret, shame, fear, pride.

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

All of my being- the outer, physical manifestation of this body and the inner vessel- are satiated. God makes me abundantly full and beyond satisfaction.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life;

My additional promise. Not just one day. Not just on the days that I choose right or act right. But, ALL the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Whether I abide in Him on this Earth or in the heavens, I am promised to be with Him for eternity!

You see, God gives me everything I need for every circumstance. There is strength to be found in my moments of weakness. Especially when I act out of control. Now, I am encouraged all the more to entrust all my cares and concerns to the God who is my Good Shepherd.

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“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.”- 1 Corinthians 10:13‭-‬14 (MSG)