My Identity: Learning What’s Left of Me

In the writing world, publishers seek a bio written by the author, for the author. As I have ventured to get some work published on the web, I learned about this seemingly small requirement and realized how enormous it would actually be. ‘What is it about myself that the reader would like to know?’ ‘Just who am I anyway?’

I mean, that sounds silly, right? But I realized that I’ve grossly placed my identity in others or in my successes. Let me explain. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a fur-mama. I am a speech-language pathologist. I am a stay-at-home parent. I am a volunteer group leader for the MOPS program.

The list seems legitimately good to share. I guess people want to know these things that make me credible to their wondering mind. But I still felt rather invisible. Without these people or things, what’s left of me?

I look to the Bible and find there’s no shortage of names to describe who Jesus is. “And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6 NLT). “Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life.” (John 11:25). “Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life.” (John 6:35). “Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” (John 14:6). “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’”
(Matthew 1:23).

What’s more, though, is two descriptions which left me perplexed. The first was first spoken of Jesus by John the Baptist, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29). And the next by Jesus Himself, “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me,” (John 10:14). As I pondered these two extremities, I kept inquiring, “How could it be that Jesus is both the Sheep and the Shepherd?”.

After some time had passed by, it soon became a realization by way of the Holy Spirit, just what this meant for Jesus’ character. The Lamb of God is, Jesus, the Son of Man. The Good Shepherd is, Jesus, the Son of God.

When Jesus came to earth, He was both fully God and fully man. Why? Because He was the perfect, and only, Person who could fulfill the payment for my sins, your sins, and the sins of all mankind, for all of time. He came as a person to identify with us people. However, He has always been the Son of God who leads and guides His people in Spirit and in truth.

We are promised that anyone who belongs to the Lord is described as sheep. “Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.” (Psalms 100:3). And when Jesus was sentenced to death on the cross, as Son of Man, he identified with us as such- “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth.” (Isaiah 53:6‭-‬7). And with that, a deeper level of intimate love for my Savior takes place. He truly does know and understand how to identify with me and anything I’ve ever been through. Which is why it is so important that I know and understand why I must identify with Him.

Likewise, since He is fully God He is also named Shepherd. “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.” (Psalms 23:1‭-‬3). And since we are made image bearers of Jesus Christ while living here on this earth (2 Corinthians 3:18), we have the amazing privilege of shepherding others to Him!

In John 21, we witness Jesus appearing to some of the disciples since He had risen from the dead, and before He had ascended into heaven. We read, “After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these? ” “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.” (John 21:15‭-‬17). And out of this same love for our Savior, we are asked to feed and take care of His sheep. This is done by sharing the word of God (the Bible), which is food for the soul, and by loving God’s people as we love Him (1 John 4:7).

As God is so good to develop who I am in Him, I no longer need to wonder. To Him, I’m both a sheep and a shepherd-amongst many other identifying characteristics. I may feel invisible in a physical sense, but spiritually speaking I am very much seen. And while it’s okay to share my quick blurb of who I am in light of other people or things (Wife, Mommy, Therapist, Leader), what’s more is sharing who I am in light of the Lord. He is mine. And I am His. (Song of Solomon 2:16). Which is the greatest part of what’s left of me.

Called by Name: A Whole New Meaning

I’ve long had a fascination with name meanings. As a child, I remember my mom gifting me with a bookmark that had my name and a meaning written on it. This bookmark read “motherly”. Although, I am unsure of the credibility of this particular correlation.

However, I’ve never forgotten. Mainly because I was the firstborn of my generation of siblings and close cousins. Naturally, I had a lot of responsibility and that “motherly” instinct kicked in when I was quite young.

When I got older, I was interested in learning the Biblical meaning behind my name. The Hebrew version of Rachel means ewe, sheep, female lamb. Hence, leading to my adoration of being one of Christ’s sheep and founding my blog name, Sheep Once Silenced.

I tell you the truth, anyone who sneaks over the wall of a sheepfold, rather than going through the gate, must surely be a thief and a robber! But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.- John 10:1-3 (NLT)

I was reading this passage in John with the headline, The Good Shepherd and His Sheep. I lingered upon those words, “He calls his own sheep by name”. And God tuned my heart to hear those names with which He speaks over me.

I’ve always thought I’d hear an audible “Rachael!” from the Lord. While that very well could happen, the Holy Spirit gently guided me to receive His written truths.

As a child who was scarred from paternal abuse, I had a hard time identifying myself as a child of God. In my flesh I felt discarded, abandoned, unwanted. I believed that to be a huge component of my identity for much of my life. I perceived this was the exact way God felt about me too. Except, now I know that’s all been a lie- from my enemy, the thief. But, God. He has called me by name- His child.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!..- 1 John 3:1 (NLT)

Throughout my adolescence and young adult life, I never felt chosen. In fact, I was picked as a last resort for sports teams. I was cast aside as “just cute and never beautiful”. And I overcompensated by trying to fit in when I most always felt like an outcast. My identity had long been stripped down to a nobody. Oh, but, God. He has called me by name- His chosen.

..for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.- 1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)

I have an outgoing and bold personality. Couple that with my innate desire to seek perfection. This equates to someone who battles with feeling like “too much” yet “never enough”. Every time I dwell upon all my faults and failures I think to myself, “How can anyone even love me?”. Lingering upon those thoughts drowns me in a pool of lies. Because, God. He has called me by name- His beloved.

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.- John 3:16‭-‬17 (NLT)

Looking at the totality of my life, shame sticks out in the forefront of my mind. I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve been harmed by many malfunctions. I’ve caused many messes. It is inevitably a result of a sin-soaked world. But, God. He made a way through His Son, Jesus Christ. And He has called me by name- Forgiven.

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.- Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)

Yes, I remember my past. But I’ve moved on from “living” there. I am not that same person I used to be. When I hear those names that are a result of my past, I know they come from a thief- a robber! God has called me by name. And as a Good Shepherd, He is leading me out-away from those lies. I am a new creation because of Christ. And I look forward to receiving my new name, made especially for me, when I enter into eternal paradise!

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“Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches… I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it.”- Revelation 2:17 (NLT)

The Path Less Traveled

The past two weeks were rough for me. I was daily at odds with my toddler. It deeply pained me and caused me much regret by the end of every day.

I had frequent outbursts regardless of his behaviors or actions. I felt overwhelmed and burnt out. Which only caused more meltdowns as a response from him. I began to fear that I was doing damage to my child long term. Insert shame.

After getting into prayer, I was reminded of an interview I listened to on a radio program recently. The premise was that some parents may have to grieve over their children leaving a certain stage of life. For me, I realized I had to grieve that my little boy is no longer “my baby”. I used to be his primary source of comfort, food, and care. He’s more independent now. He doesn’t need me like he once did. And, I felt like I no longer had control.

There it was; the root. Control. I could no longer control him. Every time I tried, he opposed me all the more.

I had some wise elders suggest the reason I was this way. Since I was a victim of abuse previously, I became controlling as if to guard my heart from ever getting hurt in the future. The mindset that I had to be in control put others in a path of hurt that I now created. Essentially, trying to be in control caused me to act out of control!

In addition, I was taking on “God’s role”. I was not fully trusting my eternal, all-powerful God. He sees the future (Isaiah 46:9-10). He can handle all things (Isaiah 14:24). He strengthens the weak (Isaiah 40:29). I was not created to do these roles for Him. Wow. Talk about humbling a heart.

I felt I had to get alone time with God. So, I decided to go for a walk. Walking toward the dead end part of a road, I journeyed on a dirt path.

Eventually, I came to a fork in the road. I had a choice. I could journey on the dirt path that was visibly traveled. Or, I could journey on a path into the woods- a path less traveled. I chose the latter.

This physical representation was a spiritual decision I was making in my heart as well. I wanted to choose the path less traveled. The one that says I choose God’s will above my own.

I was reminded that the fruit of the Spirit is self-control (causing temperance). This was already a gift given to me when I accepted the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Except, I had been choosing to receive a replica gift; packaged by my adversary. The so-called gift of being in control (causing a bad temper).

As I continued on the path less traveled, tears were flowing from my eyes. I asked God for forgiveness of everything I had caused through my foolish acceptance of control. I asked Him to remove the added weight of regret, fear, shame, and pride. Finally, I asked God to remove the root of it all to prevent it from reoccurring again.

With my head hung low, I caught a glimpse of some water trickling downhill beside my feet. In that moment, God refreshed my mind with the 23rd Psalm. We communicated together what it means to me presently.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

God is leading me, tending to me, and providing for me daily. I will not lack anything, in any given day or time.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

God beckons me to stop what I am doing to rest in Him; in His pleasant, sprouting, dwelling place.

He leads me beside the still waters.

Yet again, He guides me directly to Him. He is my source of living water. He quenches all of my thirsts. Here I receive more rest.

He restores my soul;

Because of Him my soul is renewed, refreshed, rescued, revived, rewarded, recovered.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.

In; not on. “In” is indicative that there are walls. I am surrounded. His righteousness is all around me. I can only live rightly through Him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

The choices I make that lead to sin are from hell itself. But I do not have to fear it. Jesus conquered sin and death. I accepted Him and believe in Him. He IS with me. I am overcoming because of Jesus.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

God’s compassionate correction and discipline is to bring me to repentance. That is where I find comfort.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

God has given an abundance of provisions and prepared them for me in the midst of my enemies- regret, shame, fear, pride.

You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

All of my being- the outer, physical manifestation of this body and the inner vessel- are satiated. God makes me abundantly full and beyond satisfaction.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life;

My additional promise. Not just one day. Not just on the days that I choose right or act right. But, ALL the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Whether I abide in Him on this Earth or in the heavens, I am promised to be with Him for eternity!

You see, God gives me everything I need for every circumstance. There is strength to be found in my moments of weakness. Especially when I act out of control. Now, I am encouraged all the more to entrust all my cares and concerns to the God who is my Good Shepherd.

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“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. So, my very dear friends, when you see people reducing God to something they can use or control, get out of their company as fast as you can.”- 1 Corinthians 10:13‭-‬14 (MSG)

 

SOS!

My inspiration for creating this blog began with the understanding that people want or need to know more about Jesus. Some search in wrong places. Some go to the Bible but leave frustrated because they misunderstand. Some are too fearful, embarrassed, ashamed, or [insert other feeling here] and it has inhibited them to go and ask questions. It has caused them to be content with silence.

If this is you, I encourage you to break the silence, to find your voice, and to call out for help!

Let’s take a look at the original meaning of the term SOS. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes it as such: “a call or request for help or rescue”. If you wound up reading this blog, you may have a deep urgency to call for help when it comes to learning about Jesus and His word! (Hooray!)

SOS was used as an abbreviation for ‘Save our soul’ when using the radio ‘Morse Code’ to signal distress. The correlation here is remarkable- we should feel the urgency to call out to Jesus to truly save our soul!

Now, I’m using SOS as an abbreviation for my own blogging purposes.

In the Bible, we are recognized as Christ’s sheep, and He is our shepherd. Isaiah 40:10-11 (NLT) is a beautiful example of this–

Yes, the Sovereign Lord is coming in power.
    He will rule with a powerful arm.
    See, he brings his reward with him as he comes.

He will feed his flock like a shepherd.
    He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart.
    He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

You, my friend, are one of Christ’s sheep. You may have felt the guilt of silence. Here, I encourage you to ask questions, to express yourself freely, to confide in this community of people.

You may have been a ‘Sheep Once Silenced’, but here you’re finding your voice. In this blog, I will be guiding you to the exploration of self and to gain a deeper knowledge and understanding regarding Jesus and His word.

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“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”- Galatians 6:2 (NLT)